Let’s Talk About Sex (after) Baby

Speaking of sharing, here’s an overshare for you.

WARNING: This blog entry contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content and a humorous approach to such content, do not read on…

I feel a degree of anonymity here, so I’m going to broach this topic, this the scariest of topics:

Sex after baby or babies.

Yet another one of those things you swear won’t be an issue in your marriage. You swear sex will quickly return to normal. And then you use your sex organ to squeeze out a human head, and suddenly you understand why sex after marriage is an issue to so many.

Before I gave birth, my mother-in-law gave me a book called Babyproofing your Marriage. This is a guide written by three women on how to save your marriage from the tsunami that is children. One day you’re sunning on the beach, just the two of you, your marriage young and supple, tanned and rested and well sexed. Then the water breaks and you’re trying to keep afloat, grasping for each other as the waves of parenthood yank you apart. Suddenly, sleep is the new sex and cuddling is about as x-rated as it gets.
Β 

Nice. Again, I digress…

Anyhoo, did I mention my mother-in-law gave this book to me? I fixate on this point because there was actually a chapter, an entire chapter, devoted to blow jobs. This is the very scientific term they use for it too: Blow Jobs. Not oral sex, not mouth-on-privates, not fellatio, but blow jobs.

I turned to my husband in bed and said: Your mom just gave me a book about blow jobs.

O, to have a snapshot of the look on his face.

On our first home visit, when my son was only 12 hours old, my midwife told me a story of a couple who had sex in the hospital room to celebrate the birth of their child. This, I said to her, has to be an urban legend. There is just no way. And as urban legends go, if I had to pick one, I say I’d be more likely to give up both my kidneys and lie in a bathtub of ice or pick up a hitchhiker with a hook for a hand than opt for post-labour sex.

By all means, I love sex. But I hated those kinds of stories. O, one friend told me, I called my doctor two weeks after giving birth to see if it was okay to have sex again. Another friend told me she and her rabid dog of a husband only waited a week. Thankfully, though, most of my friends fell into the same timeline as my husband and me:

Month 1: Touch me and die.
Month 2: Kiss me; touch my breasts and die.
Month 3: A bottle of wine; a bigger bottle of KY; an attempt; touch me and die.
Month 4: A bottle of wine; a bigger bottle of KY; an attempt; touch me if you dare.
Month 5: No wine; still lots of KY; hey, I remember this, sort of.
Month 6: Still lots of KY; okay, this is nice, I remember you.

We’re in Month 11 now and while we do our best, things have certainly not returned to normal. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes, as one friend so eloquently put it, it feels like we’re throwing a hot dog down a hallway. I do my Kegels everyday!

Sometimes I want to, most of the time I still don’t. It probably doesn’t help that I’m still nursing. My son treats my boobs like a dairy bar, and dairy bars don’t a good sex tool make.

The good news is, I love my husband to death, I still pine for him, I still look at him and think he’s handsome, hot, sexy. We’re not having sex three times a week, but we’re a lot closer than we’ve ever been. There’s something to be said for that.

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~ by thebookofmommy on February 20, 2008.

11 Responses to “Let’s Talk About Sex (after) Baby”

  1. Just a warning…these are the types of things that will give you child #2. The nursing may save you for now.

  2. You are a brave woman for mentioning such unmentionables. I feel emboldened to follow your lead.

    I was there. From begining to end. I cut the cord on each of my first three children. There was no friggin way I was going to have sex with her until that was a dull memory.

    I didn’t say that though. I just kept reminding her that the DOCTOR said…

    Well, I have a lot of kids, so thank goodness for a fuzzy memory. πŸ™‚ I feel sorry for those of you who have a sharp mind.

  3. I have to laugh at this. My libido was extremely health after the birth of older son and while we didn’t resume ‘activities’ while I was in the hospital, we did several times before my first post partum checkup. (Yeah, I know, crazy)

    My second was a high risk pregnancy and I wanted nothing to do with sex-and my husband was “whaaaaaaa? You couldn’t get enough last time!” Lesson learned, honey, every pregnancy is different.

    I think I would have been mortified if my mother in law (whom I adore) gave me a book that mentioned blow jobs. No Way, Jose!

  4. We are entering our seventh week for our newborn (our third)…I am going to store to get some wine!

  5. Your blog is now at the top of my “everyday blogs” list in my favorites. You make me laugh out loud. Thanks for sharing, and in so doing, bringing joy to my day!

  6. I love you blog, wouldf reccomend it again any day. Yah me and the hubster sound a lot like you. We’re in month 5! “Suddenly, sleep is the new sex and cuddling is about as x-rated as it gets.” I LOL’d! SO true!

  7. after a high risk twin pregnancy and no sex for 8 months (they were early) I was very keen but had to wait because of the c/s.
    It was before 6 weeks.
    Now they are 19 months I am so tired and spend all my time up late blogging …poor dear misses out.
    I love this post.
    Very interesting topic… I will give you some linky love too.

  8. So Funny! And SO true! We returned to sex when our son was 5 weeks old. Soon, I know, but my husband was about to go to Afghanistan for five months. Since his return…..
    !. Who finds a crying baby or cartoon sexy?
    2. Who has the energy for sex?
    3. I too am a dairy cow.
    4. Having a baby lay in the bed between you (occasionally) is the most unsexy thing ever!

    I told my husband the children were a cruel joke. Sex makes them -then after they arrive -you will never get to have sex again. I understand why parents let their kids spend the night away from home—not so the kids can have fun. The sole reason is so the parents can do”it” and then walk around naked.

    http://www.mamamatters.wordpress.com

  9. The good thing about being a human, is sometimes intimacy doesn’t have to include sex.

    I love how you dove into this subject, very honestly and straight forward. Humorous at times, but still a very honest approach. πŸ™‚

  10. I love your timeline and all others mentioned are urban legends.

  11. Oh so maybe that is why I am thinking about tequila?
    8 months after the third baby we’ve had sex once which resulted in a pregnancy scare and he is not allowed to touch me again until 2010!

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